What is a unicorn?

A unicorn is a single woman who plays with couples, usually a bisexual woman who enjoys both partners. The name is a joke about rarity: in the lifestyle there are far more couples hoping to meet one than there are single women who want the role.

Where the word comes from

The term grew out of polyamory and swinger communities in the 2000s. Couples kept describing the same ideal: a single bisexual woman, attracted to both of them, happy to join them without needing anything of her own. The people around them started calling that person a unicorn because, as described, she did not seem to exist.

That joke carries a point. The word is affectionate when a woman chooses it for herself, and pointed when it describes what a couple wants from someone they have not met yet.

Unicorn hunting, and why it has a bad name

Unicorn hunting simply means a couple searching for a single woman. On its own there is nothing wrong with that. It earned its reputation because of how often it is done badly. The familiar pattern:

• A long list of rules written before she has said a word: she must like both equally, never see one of them alone, leave before breakfast.
• Her pleasure, her boundaries and her plans treated as an afterthought.
• The couple's relationship protected at any cost, with her expected to absorb the cost.
• A message that opens with what she would be doing for them rather than who she is.

Single women in the lifestyle receive a great deal of that, which is a large part of why they are hard to find. Many of them stay off the busiest sites entirely, or turn off messages from couples they have not met.

How to be a couple a unicorn wants to meet

Talk to each other first

Settle the hard questions between the two of you before involving anyone else: what is on the table, what is not, what happens if one of you feels left out halfway through. If those conversations are still raw, a third person will feel it. Our guide to soft swap and full swap is a good place to start putting your limits into words.

Lead with yourselves, not the request

A message that says who you are, where you go, what you enjoy and one specific thing you liked about her profile reads as a person. A message that opens with "we are looking for a third" reads as a job advert.

Keep the rules short and explain them

Some agreements are reasonable and worth stating up front, like safer-sex expectations or that you only play together. A wall of rules is not. Fewer rules, said plainly and with a reason, show respect.

Make sure she enjoys it too

This should not need saying, and it is the most common complaint. She is a full participant with her own wants, not a gift one partner is giving the other.

Meet in a room first

Meeting at a real event with a host and a door is easier for everybody. She can see how you behave with other people, leave whenever she likes, and nobody has to commit to anything over a drink. See your first club night for what that looks like.

If you are the unicorn

You hold most of the cards, and it is fine to act like it. Choose who you talk to, meet in public or at an event first, tell a friend where you will be, and drive yourself. Ask each couple who you will be talking to before you meet, because a common deception is a single man posing as a couple, and our guide on spotting a fake profile covers the tells. A short video call with both of them settles it.

It is also fine to have rules of your own: no sleepovers, only together, only once. Couples worth meeting will take that in their stride.

Related words you will see

Unicorn hunter

A couple looking for a single woman. Neutral on its own; critical when it describes the rules-first approach.

MFF / FMF

A threesome with one man and two women, the arrangement most couples mean when they say unicorn.

Dragon or bull

Loose equivalents for a single man who plays with couples. A bull in particular belongs to the hotwife dynamic.

Third

The plain word for anyone joining a couple, without the mythology.

For the rest of the vocabulary, the lifestyle glossary covers the words on most profiles and event listings.

Finding each other on SwingTap

On SwingTap, members say what they are looking for on their own profile, and the Playground can filter for singles or for couples and rank people by how well interests and play styles line up. A single woman decides who she talks to: a chat opens only when interest is mutual, so nobody can message her just because she exists. And on every event, members can see who else is going, so she can meet a couple in a room full of people before deciding anything.