Your first lifestyle club night

The single most common thing first timers say afterwards is that it was much more normal than they expected. Most of a club night is people in nice clothes talking, drinking and dancing. If you walked in during the first two hours and did not know where you were, it would take you a while to work it out.

Here is the whole evening, in order, so nothing has to be a surprise.

Before you go

Pick the right night

Venues run different nights with genuinely different atmospheres. A themed party, a couples-only night, a beginners or newcomers night, a takeover at a hotel. If the listing says newcomers or first timers, go to that one. The whole room is in the same position as you and the regulars turn up specifically to be welcoming.

Check the dress code, then respect it

Most clubs are noticeably dressier than a regular bar, and many turn people away at the door. Cocktail attire is a safe default. Jeans, shorts, work boots and trainers are refused at a lot of venues. Themed nights mean it, and the regulars will have made an effort.

Bring a bag with what you might change into, if the venue has lockers. Plenty of people arrive dressed for dinner and change into something else once they have settled in.

Sort out the money and the rules

Entry for a couple commonly runs from fifty to a hundred and fifty dollars, varying by city and by night, and some clubs have a separate membership fee the first time. Many venues are bring your own bottle rather than licensed, so read the listing. Take cash; not every door takes cards.

Agree your plan in the car

Two questions, answered out loud before you walk in. What are we hoping happens tonight, and what is our signal for leaving? The most useful answer to the first one, on a first night, is "nothing, we are here to look." It takes all the pressure off, and it is the plan most experienced couples recommend.

At the door

Expect ID, a membership form, a locker, and a short talk about the house rules. Take the rules talk seriously; it is where you learn the specifics of that venue.

Almost everywhere, phones go away at this point. Many clubs make you leave them in a locker. This is not negotiable anywhere and it is enforced ruthlessly, because everyone in the building is trusting everyone else with their privacy.

The door staff at a good venue are used to first timers, and saying "it is our first time" gets you a friendlier welcome than you might expect. Some clubs will walk you round and show you the layout.

The first hour

Get a drink. Find somewhere to stand where you can see the room. Talk to each other. This is the part first timers rush and should not.

Somebody will almost certainly come and say hello, and it will usually be a couple who have spotted that you are new. This is the scene working as intended, not a proposition. They are being friendly, and the correct response is to be friendly back and enjoy the conversation.

Expect the conversation to be ordinary. Where are you from, have you been here before, how long have you been together. The lifestyle questions, if they come at all, come later and land more lightly than you would imagine.

The layout

Most venues are laid out in zones, and the geography does a lot of the work of keeping everyone comfortable.

• Social areas. Bar, seating, dance floor. Clothed, loud, entirely ordinary. Most of the evening happens here.
• A middle zone. Quieter seating, sometimes a hot tub or a pool. The atmosphere shifts, but it is still social.
• Play areas. Private rooms with doors, and often a group room. This is the part people picture, and it is usually a small fraction of the building.

The convention on doors is nearly universal: an open door means you may watch from the doorway, a closed door means leave it alone, and joining anything requires being invited. If you are unsure at a particular venue, ask a member of staff rather than guessing.

You can walk through the play areas and look. That is what they are there for, and browsing is not a commitment to anything.

What nobody tells first timers

Most people are not playing. On a normal night, a good portion of the room never goes past the bar. You will not be conspicuous for staying dressed and talking all evening.

The average age is higher than you think. Forties and fifties dominate most club nights, with plenty of people older. Couples worried about being the oldest in the room are usually wrong.

It is often less sexual and more social than expected, right up until it suddenly is not, in a room you chose to walk into.

Nobody is looking at you as much as you think. The self-consciousness of the first thirty minutes wears off, and then you notice that everyone is busy with their own evening.

You will probably be approached once and turn it down, and it will be completely fine. That is the moment most first timers dread and afterwards describe as the point they relaxed.

Turning people down

"Thank you, we are just watching tonight" is the entire script. Warm, no explanation, no apology. Anyone worth meeting will say "of course, have a great night" and mean it.

If someone does not take it well, that is information about them and not about you. Move to a different part of the room, and tell a member of staff if it continues. Good venues want to know.

Leaving

Leave whenever you want, including twenty minutes after arriving. You do not owe anyone an explanation or a goodbye tour. If you have been talking to a couple you liked, "we are heading off, it was lovely to meet you" covers it completely.

Use your signal if you agreed one, and honour it instantly if your partner uses theirs. That is the promise that makes the rest possible.

The drive home

Talk about how it felt, not about what you should do next time. Decisions made in a car at two in the morning after an unusual evening are rarely good ones, and both of you are running on adrenaline.

Save the real conversation for the next day. Ask what surprised you, what you liked, what you would rather not repeat. Some couples feel a dip a day or two later even after a good night; it is common, it has a name in the community, and it passes.

A short packing list

• Cash for the door, plus a bit more
• ID for both of you
• Your own drinks if the venue is bring your own
• A change of outfit if you want one
• Toiletries, breath mints, a hair tie
• Condoms, whatever your plan is. Bring them anyway
• Flip flops if there is a pool or hot tub
• A phone charger for the car, since your phone is going in a locker

If you want the vocabulary before you go, the glossary covers what you will hear, and etiquette and consent covers how the room works socially. If you are earlier than that, start with what is swinging.